I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
