I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
