I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
