So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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