I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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