They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
