But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
