she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
