My sheets look like a crime scene.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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