You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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