my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I could make wine with my vomit
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
