hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
