The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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