It's Friday. Sex?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
