i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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