i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
