im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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