Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
