i think i have two assholes
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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