Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
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