Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
