so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
