1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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