Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
