Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
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Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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