I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
