i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize