I cannot find my penis.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
