I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
