made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
