Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
