I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Two words: blizzard sex
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
