I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
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She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
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Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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