any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
