I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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