hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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