Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
