I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
