I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
