I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
