So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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