YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
