He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
