All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
we're so committed to being not committed
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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