You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So many bounce houses so little time
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
