i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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