I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
