OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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