If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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