Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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