Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
