wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
