He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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