Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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