I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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