So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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