just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
